good morning bitches 12/5/2019

As I write this (Sunday, 3:42 a.m.) it has been exactly one month since my mom died. I thought that the first of the month would bring sweeping depression, but it feels pretty similar to every other day since my mom died: a little sad, a little lonely, and a little numb.

I had a couple friends over a few nights ago, and I told them that I was shocked at how much I am not falling apart. Every horrific version of life without my mom that I had envisioned for months involved me, crippled with grief, crying for days on end on the bathroom floor. This hasn’t happened—not even once. I’ve somehow found a way to stay upright and keep going, no matter how daunting or unfair life feels that day. It’s wild. I struggle to write about it because I either can’t put into words what I’m feeling, or I do find the words and sound like a heartless wench. Oh well.

I hope you bitches don’t mind if I continue to write about my grief process in these newsletters. While the primary subject of GMB will always be weird internet shit & media recommendations, I have always enjoyed infusing editions with borderline diary entries about my life. Which reminds me…

Thank you so much to all of you who have reached out, sent memes, shared this newsletter, sent flowers, left voicemails, and physically showed up at my door the past month. I am blown away by the number of strangers from this lil community who have messaged me to express their condolences. I am genuinely so touched and you have brought a very specific feeling of joy and gratitude to my life in this dark 30ish days.

Alright, enough sappiness, let’s get down to BUSINESS, bitches!!!!

We need to discuss Disney+

I bought into the hype specifically to watch Frozen, then sat utterly confused through a couple episodes of The Mandalorian, but have been overall unimpressed by the original content offerings. I really thought Disney was going to come in hot with some must-see shows (for adults) (that aren’t about space). However, there is one show that fits the bill, and it truly seems to have been created specifically to appeal to my three true loves: musical theatre, high school, and drama.

Don’t be fooled: the show has absolutely nothing to do with Kristen Bell except one 30-second cameo in the pilot. But she’s an EP and extremely hot, so yeah, let’s throw her in the promos!

The show reunites high school musical casts to recreate the musicals they starred in decades ago. Most everyone plays the same parts they played in high school, and a surprising amount of them absolutely cannot carry a tune. I watched it with gmb Britt Frazier’s male roommate (Andrew, if you’re a gmb, then hello) and though he has never been in a musical in his life, we sat there gleefully giggling like schoolgirls the entire time. It’s so wholesome and uplifting without being cheesy and there is PLENTY of residual horny drama kid tension. Ahh, thespians.

So I know I just dissed The Mandalorian but it would be off-brand for me to not mention Baby Yoda

In fact, to honor what is sure to be a strong contender for the defining meme of 2019, I hereby dedicate the next few scrolls to this absolute legend:

Time to talk about me being a #total #foodie

In the chaotic hellscape that has been my life the last two years, I have become unhealthily reliant on food delivery apps. So when I got a little, um, intoxicated after my mom’s memorial, it was second nature to open Uber Eats. It was not, however, second nature for me to order White Castle—a restaurant I had been purposefully avoiding for my entire life.

Well, folks. Consider me a changed woman.

The order:

  • 1 Chicken & Waffles Slider

  • 1 Bacon Ranch Cheese fries

  • 1 sack of Fried Mac n’ Cheese bites

The results:

  • The best drunk food of my life

  • The worst stomachache of my life

  • Zero regrets

How the hell am I just now finding out that there is a fast food restaurant that SELLS MAC N CHEESE BITES??????????? At this time I would just like to ask you to bring your attention back to the size of these bites that I ordered. Not regular, not large, a sack.

Yes, technically they’re called Mac n Cheese N*bblers but I hate that word and refuse to taint my newsletter with it. But omg they’re so good and I drive past a White Castle every day on my way to work and I am scared for my arteries.

Mindless Buzzfeed article for people who love/hate Gilmore Girls as much as I do:

Indulge yourself here.

Kitchen gadget that hopefully will not end up unused, dusty, and in my basement in 3 weeks:

You’re lookin at the Dash Deluxe Rapid Egg Cooker, and baby are you gonna want to smash that Add to Cart button so hard in about 30 seconds!

This little hotshot hard boils, soft boils, and poaches eggs in MINUTES just by plopping them in little slots and adding like half a cup of water to the bottom. I’m talking beautiful, perfect, runny yolked eggs all OVER your english muffin!!

(This photo belongs on good morning bitch Kit Frazen’s new instagram @uglyfoodisgood, because yes, I can acknowledge while delicious, it looks extremely unappetizing.)

You ever start a Netflix movie and then realize long after you’re invested that it’s three and a half freaking hours?

Truth be told, bitches, I have not even finished the movie yet, so this is a bit of a premature review-that’s-not-really-a-review. But I did learn a few things about myself during my first 45-minute installment.

  1. Watching a movie alone in complete darkness is really depressing and I do not recommend

  2. Any movie that shows a man getting his hand broken by another man’s foot deserves a trigger warning

  3. Mob movies are fun!! Maybe I should watch that underground indie flick “The Godfather” next……

When you need a break from Christmas music:

You know when you hear the first five seconds of a song and immediately know you’re going to love it? That’s exactly what happened when I listened to a sample of this. She has a beautifully pure voice and the track gives me that good good soulfulness that I crave in modern pop. Throw in a gospel choir at the end and I’m sold!!

Bonus: good morning bitch Silas Helm made the album art! 🖤

So we’re gonna have to talk about that Peloton ad

You know the one……where an amazing husband buys his 110 pound wife a stationary bike for Christmas and she spends the next year vlogging about it to create a compilation video to show her husband as his Christmas gift and her life is changed because of a—and I cannot stress this enough—stationary bike?

I remember seeing this on tv a few weeks ago and being very confused by the whole concept, and to my utter delight the internet had the same reaction. And like all good/terrible things in life, it’s now a MEMEEEEEEE

This is an entire thread roasting Peloton commercials from January and I love it so much:

But alas, capitalism got the last laugh:

OR DID IT????????

You can count on me, Hard-Hitting Finance Journalist Lily Zacharias, to keep tabs on this ongoing fluctuating Peloton stock situation. I’m on the fast track to Forbes 30 under 30 Class of 2020, baby!

Satirical headline that still holds up two years after originally published:

Highlight from the full article:

“Jesus also added that he’s 100% okay for Frankincense and Myrhh at the minute.”

Friendly reminder that Spotify Wrapped came out last night…

….and literally no one cares about your results except you.

But actually I’m going to be a MASSIVE hypocrite and share a screenshot that proves I went through a brutal breakup this year:

Taylor Swift releases an album almost exclusively about being head over heels in love and your top song is the one song she wrote about a breakup? WOOF, Lil!!!!

Also thank u Britt for this important content:

Was going to do a full wedding shaming segment but I’m about to reach my post limit and this story is much more important anyway:

This week on Twitter:

Before I go…

I want to give a quick shoutout to some of my favorite people, whose faces have been forever immortalized via the professional wedding photos good morning bitch Kenzie Sheridan received this week:

They have been absolute lifesavers these past few months and I love them dearly. Turns out tiny private middle schools with 17 people per class can turn into some badass friendships. RIP St. John Wheaton…but still, go Eagles?

Until next time, bitches.



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