good morning bitches 9/13/2019
No, you’re not hallucinating—this really is the second week in a row of good morning bitches. Against all odds, I have compiled content from various corners of the internet just in time to send this out for Friday the 13th…..which is a complete coincidence but I’m into it because I am INTO scary stuff and I am INTO pumpkins, dammit!!! Which brings me to my first point: the literal and metaphorical caffeine to jumpstart this newsletter.
The Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Cold Foam Cold Brew is 2019’s answer to the unoriginal losers who still think it’s cool to shit on girls who like Pumpkin Spice Lattes. It’s the first pumpkin drink to be added to the menu since the PSL made its grand debut in 2003 (GMB reader Grace Gabel is work-friends with the guy who invented that drink, for the record). If still want an light touch of fall in your coffee without completely falling into a sugar coma an hour later, THIS is your drink. Ugh it’s only been 6 hours since I had one and I’m already craving another. I would also like to publicly state that I finally agree with coffee snobs that Starbucks’ regular drip coffee is absolutely the worst over-burned bean water I’ve ever tasted. So I will stick to my highly caloric pumpkin alternative instead!!
Cute spooky decoration to remind you that the scariest thing of all this Halloween is our incessant narcissism
(says the girl who posted not one but TWO selfies on Saturday)
(and then reposted them on her newsletter)
Also the purple has already washed out of my hair, RIP my edgy phase.
Speaking of scary:
Kanye is making Yeezy crocs called “foam runners.” Do I hate them? Yes. Would I wear them? Probably.
I will keep this short and sweet before I get hundreds of un-subs but if you haven’t taken any suggestion in this newsletter, please listen to me on this:
I have successfully converted a mere three people to be loyal listeners (Meagan, Renatta, and Jessie…….you are everything to me) and I am taking the liberty to speak on their behalf and tell you that they recommend it too!!!!!
Binge-worthy three-season tv show that unfortunately got cancelled prematurely:
Now that I attach this photo I fear that I have written about this in a previous issue, but it’s worth repeating. These ladies + Keegan Michael Key = lighthearted comedy gold. I believe you can stream on Amazon Prime and I would absolutely, 100000% suggest it. My mom and I rewatch episodes when we’re feeling down because it’s an instant pick-me-up. Also it brings in some serious Kenny Loggins references that are so pure. Oh, and Office fans will recognize a ghoulish face:
Wait how the HELL have I missed this?!
They’re making the NYT “Modern Love” column that I talked about last week in a MINI SERIES WITH ALL THE BEST ACTORS INCLUDING ROGER STERLING FROM MAD MEN
Extremely obvious thing I learned this week that I am embarrassed to admit:
Standard poodles have to actually be groomed to look like this:
I have gone my entire damn life thinking that poodles just don’t grow hair on their faces. Turns out, THEY VERY MUCH HAVE HAIR ON THEIR FACE
I posted about this on The Internet earlier this week and I know that I am not alone in this revelation, so I don’t want to hear your snark!!!
Niche drama of the week pt 1:
If you’ve read this newsletter for some time, you know that I LOVE reading strangers’ drama on the internet. Today, I present to you two of my favorite instagram accounts that bring two extreme niches into my life: fashion plagiarism and hypocritical pastors. YOU READY FOR THIS!?
Diet Prada focuses almost exclusively on designers who rip other designers off, and for whatever reason it is FASCINATING. Sometimes the tea gets even hotter when celebrities like Ariana Grande and pretty much every Kardashian/Jenner woman get called out.
I love it because it will rip Ariana in one post for trying to steal from Rihanna, then defend her in another post for getting ripped off by Forever 21. I stan non-partisan fashion watchdog journalism, baby!!! Also the captions are hilarious and whoever runs the account KNOWS their fashion history. They can spot a ripoff from a 1993 runway show like it’s their job….because, well, I guess it is. Anyway, even if you’re not into fashion, check it out and I guarantee at least half of y’all will be into it.
Also they often compare ugly high fashion to…other….things, and here is one of my favorite examples:
Which reminds me, of course, to tell you to tell your mom to get a colonoscopy.
Niche drama of the week pt 2:
Next up is an account that solely focuses on megachurch pastors + Christian musicians who choose to spend their money in very interesting ways:
As much I would like to say “I’m not one to judge…” the reality is, if you’re leading a church, you’ve presumably taken a vow of poverty. For those literalists out there, this doesn’t necessarily mean literal poverty but it DEFINITELY means not spending 15 hundred freaking dollars on a pair of sneakers.
As a Christian and a forever admirer of high-end clothing, every post on this account absolutely sickens me. I could go on a religious tangent featuring a million ways why this trend is effed up, but I think we can all see the problem with it.
The people behind the @preachersnsneakers account aren’t just being snarky assholes—they’re raising serious cash from followers for charities that work to combat human trafficking.
Picture for which I have no backstory but is nonetheless highly adorable:
It’s a library cat!! With his own lil walkway!!
Beauty recommendation of the week:
You know a peel is going to be good when the official instructions include the word “slough” as in your foot skin literally sloughs off your body over the course of 7-21 days. Sounds gross? Well then I do NOT recommend googling this product. Sound amazing? Then hit up those before and after photos, baby!
My mom and I soaked our feet in this treatment while watching an episode of Downton Abbey (can you say “wannabe posh”?) You won’t notice anything until you take a shower around day 4 and suddenly the entire bottom of your foot is saying ADIOS to make way for a new layer of baby soft skin.
Does it work? Well, yes—at least so far. Still in the molting phase. (Vom) The jury is still out on whether or not my feet will actually look any different in the end than they did at the start. But it does remind me of those As Seen On TV detox foot pads that were definitely a scam.
While I love recommending affordable drugstore products, this ain’t one of them. One treatment will cost you around 30 bucks, and you can buy it at Ulta, Nordstrom, and Amazon. (But as a rule of thumb I try to avoid buying any cosmetic on Amazon…it’s unfortunately become a huge marketplace for counterfeit skincare and makeup).
Spotify playlist that evokes some meteorological FEELS:
I would like to point out that someone already saw me listening to this on Spotify and the bullying for my nerdy interests has officially begun:
So AMY here you go: from 2001-2004 I lived in Southeast Missouri, in an area that is notorious for extreme storms and tornados. My mom spent the first 18 years of her life in that area, where she fostered a lifelong admiration of storms. That love was passed down to me at an age where I should have been crying over thunder and lightning, but instead was glued to storm radars on TV. Our shared love for storms has meant years of listening to robotic weather alerts, preparing dedicated storm closets, and feeling a rush of adrenaline when “tornado warning” scrolls across the screen.
On the evening of May 6th, 2003, we watched the sky darken through our basement windows as we watched a Lewis and Clark documentary. The phone rang and we just knew what would be on the other line—an automated call from Weather Channel superstar Jim Cantore, informing us that a there was a tornado warning in Cape Girardeau county. My brother, my mom, two dogs, two cats, and I stuffed ourselves in the closet beneath the stairs, listening for updates on a crank radio. We had spare batteries, blankets, ponchos…but suddenly, no mother. She had secured us in the closet and bolted into the night to check out the sky before the telltale sound of a roaring train forced her back inside—all so she could report back first-hand details to her storm-obsessed daughter. Some kids might have been scared that their mom left them alone for a few minutes during a tornado warning, but I knew even at 7 years old that my mom was a certified stormy badass.
The tornado hit, and it hit hard. As soon as the rumbling stopped my mom loaded us into the Jeep to survey the neighborhood damage through sheets of rain. Countless houses were leveled, schools destroyed, and storage units obliterated. Miraculously, our house was untouched.
Wait, why am I telling you about a tornado from 2003 again? Oh yeah, the playlist. We watched more of the Weather Channel during our three years in crazy-weather Missouri than I probably have in the subsequent 15 years combined. Back in those days, the national programming would cut to “Local Weather on the 8’s”, where a sexy male voice would tell you the forecast with some absolutely SICK smooth jazz playing in the background. And this now-viral playlist contains 44 HOURS of all the songs they played from the 80’s onward. Those years in Missouri were a very pure time in my life, and this music immediately takes me back to the time I spent with my mom watching hours of weather documentaries, amateur stormchasing, and dreaming of being the real life Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton in Twister.
(Yes, I know I look like her)
(I definitely forced my friends to watch Twister at a sleepover, and they had the audacity to have nightmares at MY 8th birthday party???????????)
Anyway, I really wanted to be an actual storm chaser when I grew up, and spent many days in our big blue chair reading weather books, learning the name of clouds and the differences between typhoons and hurricanes. But by high school I realized that you had to actually have a grasp on science to be a meteorologist…which I uh, didn’t. So instead I am here, sleepless at 12:30am, writing to you in bed about my scientific ineptitude before my alarm goes off in less than three hours. THAT GLAMOROUS NEWS LIFE, BABY!
Longform journalism that only the REAL bitches won’t scroll past:
This story will make you mad, sad, and bewildered—but leaving you ultimately feeling heartbroken for the systemic violence that plagues the South Side of Chicago. As a morning newswriter, I am assigned many stories about overnight crime around the city. Many “outsiders” think that Chicago is one big hellhole of shootings, but in reality, the violence is hyper-focused in a handful of neighborhoods that few tourists would ever pass through. They’re not the neighborhoods with mirrored sculptures or vintage bookstores or Michelin Star restaurants or architectural boat tours—they’re the forgotten streets where children and adults die senseless deaths every day.
An NBC article posted shortly after the El Paso and Dayton mass shootings addressed the surface issues surrounding Chicago’s gun violence, and this sums up one major issue:
Shootings in Chicago's poorest neighborhoods do not evoke the same sympathy that a mass shooting does because they are often thought to be crime-fueled, said Lamar Johnson, 29, a violence prevention coordinator who lives on the city's South Side.
“The compassion is not there. If anything the judgment is there,” he said.
I’m certainly not an expert in this area—but I wish our world would have more compassion to the situations that lead to the “crime-fueled” violence. Disparities in income and education have shown a proven link to violence, yet useless narratives that absentee have caused “America’s broken boys” soar in popularity. (I would bet my life that it’s easier for a city to grant funds for a public schools after-school program than it is to convince every shit father to commit to his kid). I could go on several tangents here—and have debated deleting this whole section several times—but it is bothersome to me that people judge neighborhoods with high concentrations of violence and view those victims as less important, without acknowledging the extreme privilege of being able to grow up in a cushy suburb or quaint small town with access to resources and economic growth.
This week on Twitter:
RIP wedding shaming
Those of you who have been around since the beginning have enjoyed highlights from the trashiest, tackiest, and downright strangest weddings that the internet has been blessed with. To my utter dismay, the facebook group where I found these gems has disappear….so either it got deleted, or I got blocked lol. (I honestly don’t know which one I would rather be the truth.) So, I present to you the last tidbit I screenshotted before it was too late….
Uh sorry what was that second one
Y I K E S please don’t bring your dead relatives into holy matrimony via woodburned rhymes.
Update on the SOB walmart yodel kid
Someone sent me something about that SOB walmart yodel kid in the last 7 days, but now I can’t remember what absolute BS he’s gotten into. He doesn’t send out his newsletter very regularly (I can relate) and his twitter is just bad puns
On a final serious note…
Please for the love of God stop vaping. I have to write about these vaping death stories almost every day at work and it’s absolutely horrifying. This article gives a pretty good breakdown of what’s happening. A lot of people don’t want to believe that it’s a real issue because doctors haven’t been able to pinpoint the exact condition but that is exactly why you SHOULD be terrified!!! It is a mystery pulmonary infection/condition which, by definition, is frightening!!! (I’m not going to get into the politics of Trump wanting to ban flavored ecigs don’t worry) And if you smoke cigarettes it should go without saying that I would like you to kindly stop rn! And if you have a problem with my insistence on protecting friends from dangerous substances….
Remember how I warned you all last week that my newsletters would be shorter now?
Thank you all for your support during the multiple returns of good morning bitches, but especially last week. I appreciate every time you comment, text, or forward this ol’ thang onto a friend or coworker. The fact that I can bring a lil bit of joy to your day when I’m going through a dismal period of my life is such a gift.
xo,
Lily
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