good morning bitches 9/20/21
(I really don’t want to have to talk about Drake in this newsletter so if you looked at that photo and didn’t let out a quick little puff of air through your nostrils indicating you get the meme, click here. Or maybe you already saw it last week on Instagram, when I first started writing this post. Or maybe you just don’t think it’s funny, which is fine too.)
Goooooood morning bitches! Let’s get right into it with a rare moment of me being critical of entertainment (lol)
I hate to be mean about books, I really do…
…but I must be honest: a few months ago I read my first book by Colleen Hoover, an author that has come highly recommended to me from friends, listicles & algorithms. She’s even cowritten a book with Tarryn Fisher, who I’ve devoted like, half a GMB to! Unfortunately, Layla was undeniably a bust—probably mostly due to the audiobook narrator who made the male character sound sexily mysterious and misunderstood, while the titular character sounded like SNL parodying a 2021 Britney Spears Instagram video. (Only women should narrate multi-gendered books…that is my hill to die on.)
Anyway, I thought Layla was going to be a suspense novel but it turned out to be a romance/ghost story so I developed a mistrust for the rest of her bibliography. But you see, the barrage of CoHo recommendations just. wouldn’t. stop. I didn’t want to be one of those people who take strong stances too quickly so grudgingly downloaded her indie-published and wildy popularVerity, plopped down in a pedicure chair and started to read. Then I plopped down in a manicure chair and kept reading. Then I plopped down on a couch and kept reading to the last page— even the acknowledgements.
Verity was good. It was clever. It was sexy. It had the perfect dash of dual-narration that kept me glued to the screen until I could finally get the other character’s side of the story. (However, I could not get on board with the main character’s name, Lowen. It just sounds like a toddler who can’t pronounce Lauren.)
*immediately googles to make sure I’m not going to offend a good morning bitch named Lowen*
Ok looks like I’m in the clear, especially since like 49 of those 50 are born in Cornwall, England.
Bonus - Verity is available on Kindle Unlimited.
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niche drama
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And boy do I have some niche drama for you, straight from my very own neighborhood:
I am a member of the FB group “Lakeview Neighborhood News” to hear people complain about street parking and fireworks, but I’m in “Lakeview Neighborhood News - Uncensored” for the piping hot ☕️. For the past month it’s the Egg Truck Saga, which honestly has “I’m about to turn into a made-for-streaming documentary” written all over it.
Picture this: you’re walking around Wrigley Field, minding your business, when you see something hurtling at you out of the corner of your eye and suddenly, you’re covered in egg yolk. You look around in disbelief to see a graffiti’d box truck tearing away around the corner.
Now picture that happening to more than 120 other people. Welcome to the Egg Truck Saga.
An egged vigilante created a spin-off group to track the Egg Truck’s movements via a Google form and map. Victims submit their attack and and voila: we have the egg truck’s pattern. To the naked eye, it just looks like this motherfucker is egging round the city willy nilly, but you, my friend, don’t have the spirit of the egged vigilante. Through deduction, reason, research, and a dash of salt and pepper, the egger was determined to be an employee of Value City Furniture, driving an unbranded but VCF-owned red-graffiti’d box truck. He was promptly fired from the company. Hooray!!! The mystery is solved.
But alas, it’s not that (over) easy:
People have been getting egged out of both sides of the van, not just the driver. And sometimes, there’s no graffiti on the van. And there have been MORE eggings since the egger was fired.
Yes, bitches. Your suspicions are correct. There are multiple eggers.
I tell this story for a few reasons. One, it’s absolutely WILD. Let’s not forget many of these eggings are considered criminal battery—some of the eggs are hard boiled or even frozen. TWO, because I get so much shit for loving Facebook groups and this mf egg hunting group is out here doing the LORD’S WORK. Various eggings have been reported to the police and news for months, with no action or attention. Then a group of vengeful eggees band together and got articles in local papers, countless TV mentions, and a suspect apprehended in DAYS. It’s gotten international podcast attention too, including one by Slate, and weekly updates on one of the biggest podcasts out there, Last Podcast on the Left, and a wildly popular Indian podcast called Cyrus Says. That’s the power of a FB group, and I will hear no further slander!!
well now that we’re already talking about facebook groups…
It’s after Fourth of July which means fall inventory has arrived in stores, and it’s after Labor Day which means we can be guiltlessly excited about it. A member of a niche Facebook group I’m in (wild green memes for ecological fiends, even though I am by no definition of the word a fiend for ecology) kicked off the season with a group favorite: wildly inaccurate skeleton decor featuring ears, wings, and boobs.
July’s nationwide obsession show that you probably already watched but it must go on the official GMB record:
Because one woman’s old news is a good morning bitch’s new news!!
The internet does not need any further commentary on this show so I will leave it at this: it’s hilarious, haunting, perfectly scored, and Jennifer Coolidge is unforgettable. For those of you who don’t recognize her name, shame on you, but here’s a reminder:
The nail tech in Legally Blonde…
The mom in Cinderella Story…
Amanda Buffamonteezi on Friends…
Stifler’s mom in American Pie…
and on and on and on and on. Flawless every time.
And just like that, this post is almost too long to send. Was it because of the Jennifer Coolidge gif tribute? Absolutely. Do I regret it? Never.
Until next time,
xo,
Lily
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