the mini-bitch: the day after

enter for election escapism

I write this on November 3rd as the election results roll in, knowing that if there’s anything worse than drudging through Election Day, it’s drudging through the day after. So here is my small cabernet-fueled gift to you: a whopping like, 3 minutes of politics-free reading. Emphasis on small. Because, you know, the cabernet.

escapism streaming:

Look, I’m not saying this is Schitt’s Creek caliber comedy, but it did leave me laughing out loud by myself on a Friday night. It is an excellent “I need to check out of real life for 22 minutes” show that follows a functionally dysfunctional family. Not the most original premise, but the plots are delightfully unpredictable and inconsequential. The best part, of course, is that it stars the actress who brought this iconic New Girl character to life:

I am here to announce that I have finally binged two certified White Girl Staples:

If you’re looking for truly lighthearted content, go with Sex and the City (you know, if you haven’t already watched it in the last 22 years since it premiered……) If you’re looking to feel better about yourself by comparing your life to the lives of four absolute train wrecks, go with Girls (yes I know it premiered in 2012, must I explicitly point out every time I’m almost a decade late to the party?) Honestly though, I can’t believe Girls was ever enjoyed by anyone, ever. I hate-watched for the chaotic self-sabotaging plot line and envy-watched for Allison Williams’ jawline.

a wholesome barbara jean saga:

I had a cheese plate on my coffee table a few weeks ago. As I was getting ready for bed, I heard my dog, a 13-year-old Shih Tzu named Barbara Jean, whimpering like she was in serious pain. I flew out of the bathroom to see what was wrong, and she comes out of my bedroom lookin like THIS:

This bish was panicking because she could not figure out how to eat the massive hunk of cheese, or where to hide it. I seized her stolen goods and went about my night, only to return to the living room and find her like THIS:

I quickly cleaned up the cheese board and put it on my kitchen counter. The next morning I returned from my walk and found that little Miss BJ discovered that she could use the temporary extra couch in my living room to hop up and do THIS:

I wish I could say this was the end of the story. That afternoon I went to take a shower, and almost immediately my phone stopped playing my podcast and showed that I had connected to AirPods. I realized that I had left them out of the case on the counter…and she must have bumped them while trying to forage for more cracker dust. IF ONLY THAT WAS THE CASE, BUT NO, I FOUND HER LIKE THIS:

Eventually the couch was moved to a new loving home, and I thought Babs’ counter escapades were over.

So naive.

I was out one night and got an alert from SimpliSafe that my security camera had detected motion. It only alerts me when my door is unlocked or my alarm is going off, so I quickly started to panic. I opened the app to watch what the security camera was recording…lo and behold, it was THIS:

Though the couch was gone, Barb saw an opportunity to snack on a takeout container by way of my kitchen stools:

Thankfully she did not make the leap, but my security system alerted me that she did attempt it again 20 minutes later. The things we put up with from our elderly animals!!!!!!

it’s officially dry skin szn:

What, did you think I would stop talking about skincare just because the UV index fell below 5? I’m not talking trendy skincare—face masks that clog your pores, overpriced creams that smell like heaven, Bioré strips that literally do nothing to actually help your blackhead situation, etc. etc. I’m talking ESSENTIALS:

  1. Get a humidifier. You might not think that a little flow of mist can change your skin, but trust me on this. Bonus points if you get one with a really big tank…much easier to maintain throughout winter if you don’t have to re-fill twice a day.

  2. Keep your house’s heat as low as you can handle it — saving money AND keeping your skin moisturized, a certified GMB win-win!

  3. Drink water, then drink some more water

  4. Make an overnight skincare routine and stick to it. Many of my friends have told me that they use the same products in the morning that they do at night…..woof @ all y’all. Going to bed is the perfect excuse to slather on a thick cream that will restore moisture that cold outside air and hot inside air has robbed from your precious skin. Here is a list of great overnight creams—and the top pick is only 15 bucks.

  5. Ease up on the booze (lol okay, Lily)

a surprisingly good $7 wine

Get it at Trader Joe’s. What else is there to say? It’s 7 dollars and not terrible!!

this week on (non-election) twitter:

God it was hard to find these but here you go

Speaking of which… you deserve to listen to this today:

I told you this would be short

I am not a big fan of the “no matter what happens on election day, choose kindness” messaging because kindness isn’t going to reunite 545 immigrant children held at the border with their parents, so instead I’m going to leave you with this:

Until we meet again….



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