good morning bitches // 4.1.22

no this isn't an april fools joke

Apr 01, 2022

OOOF, these GMB hiatuses are getting a little out of hand, bitches!! I tried to cram a lot in this one, so if you’re reading this in your email I highly suggest clicking here so it doesn’t get cut off. God FORBID!!!

I could bore you with extensive commentary on all the reasons I haven’t been around lately, (stress, new jobs, imposter syndrome, exhaustion, and the overall feeling of “I’d rather be watching TV”), but let’s just get into it with the biggest life lesson I’ve learned this year:

don’t sleep on network sitcoms in 2022:

At this point I’d be impressed if you haven’t been pestered to watch Abbott Elementary. I always saw commercials for it during The Bachelor, but was afraid it would be one of those shows where all the good jokes are in the promos and the over 21 minutes make you feel STRONG secondhand embarrassment for everyone involved. I am happy to report that I could not have been more wrong, and this show is like….good good. If you’re a fan of The Office and Parks & Rec, there’s a good chance you’ll be a fan—it has the same mockumentary style and the overall pacing and cast of characters feels familiar, yet with its own unique personality and comedic flavor. The show follows a small group of staff at an elementary school in the poorest area of Philadelphia. Creator/star Quinta Brunson’s cheery optimism hilariously clashes with the more veteran teachers, and the Janelle James’ performance as principal Ava (who commissions a mural of herself on the side of the school 💀 ) is truly the highlight of every episode.

(Available on ABC and Hulu)

but wait, there’s another one!!!!

I’ll admit it - I launched this sucker up on Hulu when I was couch-ridden with COVID expecting it to be a hate-watch. I love one of the stars, Sasheer Zamata, and her podcast Best Friends with Nicole Byer, so I wanted to be a supportive fan and at least watch the pilot. What followed was a 15-episode marathon for like 5-6 hours. Home Economics is your typical family sitcom following 3 siblings and their familes, with a financial twist—each of the 3 siblings falls in a different income bracket. Wow, okay, that still sounds SO boring, uhhh, let me think…. Take my word for it? It’s really funny? Topher Grace from That 70s Show is in it? No laugh track? Only 2 seasons so a quick binge? Eh, eh???

(Available on ABC and Hulu)

one more then I’m done!!

Take a peek into the life of a 20-something woman fresh out of rehab, grieving her father, living with her newly-dating mom, attempting to be sober while working at a grocery store to pay off a $5k debt to her ex-best friend who’s engaged to her ex-boyfriend. WOOF. Season 1 is gritty and dark-but-not-too-dark and funny and tragically, only 10 episodes long.

(Available on Freeform and Hulu)

niche twitter account of the week:

In other words: if politicians had streetwear Instagram accounts.

unhinged ad campaign of the week:

The mission? Admirable.

The execution? Anatomically questionable.

The product? A $199 pelvic floor trainer.

celebrity drama of the week:

(Lol, absolutely not touching the Oscar’s Slap discourse, for the record)

The following tweet set off an absolute firestorm on Tuesday:

Sarah Caldwell @sarahccaldwell

I... am speechless.

Tweet Description: blonde, vaguely-familiar-looking white woman admits that the massive bookshelves in her home were empty a couple days ago, so she sent her husband to buy 400 books to fill them.

Now, if you find yourself squinting, trying to discern who the hell that is, JOIN THE CLUB. To my surprise, it was none other than Ashley Tisdale of High School Musical fame, who is apparently still celebrity enough to secure an Architectural Digest home tour video.

People were horrified, dare I say DISGUSTED, to discover that just days prior, she bought books solely for home decoration and did not, in fact, have an arsenal of 400 books that she had personally read. The haughty elite came out in droves with criticism:

yeah 🧱 @big_chillings

@sarahccaldwell Yeah but actually people can literally just by books in bulk for the sole purpose of putting them in their library and flexing and thats just crazy to me. Instead of reading a library of books and flexing true knowledge, people want to flex that they know nothing while having all

Mayowulf @DavidFaragalli

@sarahccaldwell “To be honest, these frames didn’t have pictures in them, so I sent my husband to Getty Images, and I said you need to buy 400 pictures of other peoples’ families.”

*biggest eye roll ever*

It got so out of hand that Sharpay Evans herself had to jump in the replies with an explanation:

Ashley Tisdale @ashleytisdale

@sarahccaldwell Let’s clear this up. There are some of my books from over the years in there but yea 36 shelves that hold 22 books I did not have and any interior designer would have done the same. They do it all the time, I was just honest about it.

Let it be known that I am always on the side of buying more books than you ever intend to read. Are these book snobs on Twitter trying to tell me that their bookshelves DON’T look like this??

There’s even a Japanese word to describe this phenomenon !!!

Anyway, let Ashley Tisdale live her unread life in peace. Here is her cute home tour in all its new book glory.

speaking of white blonde women who you haven’t seen in a while:

As someone who considers herself above-averagely literate in the beauty space, I was pretty embarrassed to only just learn about this game changing product for blondes:

This unassuming shampoo has 34-thousand 5-star reviews on Amazon. I’ve used purple shampoos on and off through the years — lilac-colored products that promise to keep brassiness at bay in between coloring. What I did not know was that in addition to purple shampoos, there are purple treatments, like this one, which essentially tint your hair with a light purple hue to counteract all the brassy yellow tones that we can thank hard water for.

This is my before vs. 1 treatment vs. 2 treatments ~transformation~

Oh, and it’s only eleven dollars.

Cheers to icy blonde for summer!

album with immaculate spring vibes:

Juno by Remi Wolf coincidentally came out on the day I last sent out this newsletter, so technically this is breaking music news (5 months later). I’ve never pretended to even exist in the same universe as music writers, as every time I try to describe an album for this newsletter my mind goes utterly blank. So I will do my best to conjure some words and say that this is a great album to throw on during a lively fake spring walk when the weather is miraculously 70 degrees before dropping to 42 the next day. Ya know?