the mini-bitch: halloween edition
Good morning bitches, and welcome to the first ever mini-bitch, a shorter version of GMB for those weeks I simply cannot pump out that good good content you know and love. Unfortunately, I have a very legitimate excuse for my lack of commitment to a full edition. Longtime readers know that my mom has suffered with stage 4 rectal cancer for just over a year and a half. She has been on home hospice since May, and was moved to a hospice center on Sunday morning where she will likely stay until the Lord calls her home.
Needless to say, it’s been a hellish week. However, humor continues to be my main source of comfort in dark times, so HERE I AM!
There is certainly no shortage of Halloween content on the internet thanks to Buzzfeed’s incessant obsession with this holiday. Search “halloween” and you could scroll for days…but who wants to do that when you could just have it curated and sent directly to your inbox by an emotionally fragile Lily Zacharias??? Hm, well, maybe no one, but anyway, here’s some of my favorite things I’ve spotted over the past few days….
Talk about some NICHE humor to start this newsletter off! This one goes out to all my advertising/design friends, whose skin will absolutely crawl when they see what the Hellvetica font looks like in practice:
Hellvetica is real and available to download and install on your nemesis’ computer at your earliest convenience. You can read the full story behind the font and its creators here.
Ariana Grande went full retro with a “Twilight Zone” costume:
Confused? Well so were thousands of people who didn’t grow up watching “Twilight Zone” marathons on New Year’s Day with their dads like I DID!!! HA!!! Looks like that quality time spent as an 11-year-old being permanently scarred by black and white television paid off for exactly one moment!
Apparently Ariana has been posting photos on Instagram all week to tease her spot-on portrayal of the “Eye of the Beholder” episode from 1959.
The costume/episode has a pretty impactful message behind it regarding societal beauty standards which are still relevant 60 years later. I’ll spare you the lowdown because every other outlet has already explained it. But just know that for once…Ariana made a good decision!
The best kind of costumes: meme references
This next one holds a special place in my heart, as it references the ridiculous UK internet drama I covered a few weeks back….
I mean…it’s just…
Peak Kardashian-Jenner narcissism that I’m kind of obsessed with:
Kylie Jenner dressed her daughter up as — and I can’t stress this enough — Kylie Jenner.
Is it weird? Yes. Am I living for it? Absolutely. Is her daughter? Absolutely not.
When u just wanted to be Peppa Pig but mom had leftover feathers from the Met Gala:
In case you didn’t know…
Heidi Klum has high-key been the master of Halloween for about a decade now. I believe you can measure a Hot Girl’s confidence by how not-sexy she is willing to go for Halloween…..and by my calculations, Heidi’s pretty confident.
Everyone has been anticipating her 2019 costume—well, when I say everyone, I mostly mean the writers at Buzzfeed. I last checked her Instagram at like 11 last night, she has since posted 22 PHOTOS of the transformation into her latest creation……….
Frankenstein’s….titty monster? Yeah, I have no idea what her costume is, but good on her and her prosthetics team, I guess. You can see the full evolution from hot german supermodel to exposed bowel creature here.
Speaking of sexy costumes
There ain’t NOTHING sexier than the sense of security knowing your hard drive is backed the FUCK up and protected from high drops, baby!!!!
Japan’s ‘Lazy Halloween’ costumes:
Halloween is great, but let’s be honest….putting together a costume requires effort that most years I’m just not willing to give. Enter: my soulmates in Japan, who dress up in nonchalant costumes like “couple who had an argument at Disneyland and are now feeling awkward with each other”:
Or “woman whose glasses got fogged up when she tried to drink her coffee”:
Or, “woman who squeezed her toothpaste too hard while getting ready”:
You can see the rest of the completely mundane and hilarious costumes here.
I interrupt this newsletter to bring you a photo from the Halloween I did choose to put in some effort:
Yes, I was a washing machine. Yes, it was my idea. And no, my arms could not fully reach all the way around to carry my candy bag.
Animal costumes to light up your life:
PAWDREY HEPBURN !!!
Some OG spookiness:
We’re throwing back to 1834, bitches! If you haven’t read the classic Edgar Allen Poe short story “The Tell-Tale Heart”, then this is the perfect day to catch yourself up 185 years.
Read the short story here, or listen to it dramatic spooky audiobook style here.
And finally, the scariest thing of all: the return of a completely preventable disease
Happy Halloween, bitches! Or for those of you in the midwest, Happy Freezing-your-ass-off-and-making-small-talk-about-the-snow-oween.
xo,
Lily
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